Sadly, the fire was stopped and the fries were soggy.

Though as an added bonus the friend in question tried to put out the fire by blowing on it, sending greek fire toward a cardboard box that was, for reasons I am not entirely clear on, sitting on the counter right beside the stove. A comedy of errors? Or was he trying to burn the place down, too? The world may never know.

I also burnt the chicken tenders, but there was no visable flame there.

The photo comes from an about.com article that claims french fry, or "chip", fires are the largest cause of home fires in the UK. I think in America it might be attempting to light flatulence. Or Christmas tree lights. Nonetheless, this may just be further confirmation of my inexplicable Britishness.

Yesterday, the entertainment industry of America (and apparently Canada) piled another disapointment onto my already littered and broken lifetime of Television viewing.

A couple of days ago, I acquired (through methods that shall remain unspoken) a copy of the final episode of Stargate Atlantis.  Stargate Atlantis is the Sequel to the long-running Stargate SG1.  The show has been on television for 5 seasons and has experience a steady increase in rating over the last couple of seasons.  Unfortunately, early in the current season, the SCiFi channel announced that they would be canceling the show at the end of this season.  I had been watching the show from the first episode and probably enjoyed 85% of it.  Fairly good for a SCiFi show in my opinion.

I set aside an evening for viewing this relatively momentous episode and prepared myself to be entertained.  Even though the show was scheduled to be canceled at the end of the season, the story did not make any of the standard moves.  In the first 19 episodes, there was no apparent attempt to push the story line towards closure.  In fact, all of the first 19 episodes were written as though they expected another season. Despite this lack of build-up, I assumed that the final episode would express some of the feelings of a final episode.

I was utterly, entirely and completely WRONG!   I couldn't have been more wrong if I had tried.  The final episode of the series was just a normal episode.  Nothing happened that put any closure on the end of the series.  In fact, they basically set up even more new questions.  Throughout the viewing experience, it became obvious that the episode was written long before the cancelation was announced and the writer simply made their best effort to squeeze in a feeling of finality.  Don't get me wrong... the episode was a great episode and I would have loved it if it were a season finally.  But, I can say for certain that it was miserable for a series finally.  Hell, the episode wasn't even extra long.  It was the same 48 minutes that I watched every week for the last 5 years.  I have to say that I feel like I've received a bit of a slap in the face from the SCiFi channel.  This isn't the first time and I hate to admit it but... probably not the last.  I make no bones about it. I need my SCiFi fix and if that means getting bitch-slapped around a little bit... I'm willing to take it.

From what I have heard, they are planning to release direct-to-dvd movies that should tack on some closure to the end of the show.  I'm sure they'll do that and I'm sure I will watch those and cry myself to sleep.

Goodbye, Stargate Atlantis.  I will miss you when I'm desperately when I am lustily hunting for some science fiction.  Desperately clawing and scratching to fill my inborn need for aliens and space and crazy shit like that....

It's official... I'm back in Japan and have returned to my day job of terrorizing Japanese children.  I have also returned to my part time night job of terrorizing major cities in the hopes of drawing Godzilla from his radioactive slumber.  Soon, I will have all of his nearly infinite power at my disposal. {Queue Dramatic Music}

During my relatively painless flight back. [Airplane jokes omitted for your convenience], I was afforded the opportunity to watch Nash Bridges Lakeview Terrace.  I cannot express in writing how long and impatiently I have waited to watch this master-work of acting and cinematography. So powerful was my desire to watch this film, that I forced myself to save it for the final hours of my flight.  Literally, I forced myself to watch absolutely every other film and television offering provided before I would allow myself this bliss.  In fact, I forced myself to watch the same episode of Monk six times before I would even consider switching to this tasty treat.  I think it is important to note that I was not in any way disappointed.  All of my expectation were fulfilled and then some.  Without further ramblings, I submit to you my impressions of the film.

Cinematography [10000 out of 10]

Unfortunately, cinematography is not my area of expertise.  In fact, I know next to nothing about the subject and I'm not sure that I'm even qualified to write the word much less attempt to criticize it.  Luckily, as is my way, I am willing to press on and attempt to render an intelligent and completely arbitrary opinion.  Here it goes... the cinematography in Lakeview Terrace was UNBELIEVABLY AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'm not saying that the film was competently filmed.  I'm saying that the way the characters and major props were always on screen and in focus nearly blew my head clean off.  I mean seriously... even when the characterｓ were moving the camera remained in focus and on subject.  I was left speechless for hours after watching this artwork in motion.  Even though I was watching the film on a tiny screen planted in the back of very restless 9 year olds seat, I couldn't help but be blown away.

Acting [1 X10³⁰⁰⁰⁰ out of 6]

Samuel L. Jackson peered straight into my soul and then shanked it.  Then, he walked away and left the rotting corpse to decay and stink up the joint.  After all of that, he confessed to the crime if front of a Grand Jury and still managed to get acquitted.  His deft portrayal of an angry, bald, homicidal, sun-glasses wearing, bigoted, inter-racial couple hating, African-American, police officer, in his mid to late forties left me quivering in my extremely tiny seat.  His powerful performance left me with an uncontrollable and primordial fear of the hundreds of black people who surrounded me on every side during the remainder of the flight to Japan {Note: upon further investigation, I have discovered that the people on the flight were mostly old Japanese women and German tourists.  I now feel somewhat ashamed about my unjustified fear}.  As a result of Samuel L. Jacksons work, I will never be able to feel racism again. Also, the other actors in the movie, whoever they were, did a pretty good job too.

Audio [-πout of 2000]

Unfortunately, audio was the only true Achilles’ heal for the whole film.  Despite flawless execution otherwise, the film truly flopped in the sound department.  Throughout the film, the audio was grainy and flat.  Most of the time, the sound seemed to lack depth entirely.  Even during the most intense scenes, the audio still managed to feel like it was coming out of a pair of five dollar ear buds.  In fact, several times throughout the performance, the audio seemed to cut-out and be replaced completely by a man talking about elevations and weather conditions.  I find this sort of audio performance totally reprehensible in a film of such otherwise outstanding caliber. I cannot excuse this sort of blemish on a film no matter how excellent the other portions may have been. 

Overall [1 Napoleon Bonaparte out of 7 dolphins]

Despite the inexcusable blemish that was the film's audio, I still feel confident recommending this film to anyone and everyone I meet.  Watch this film in good health and feel your bigotry and hatred slip away.  Feel your ignorance cower in the darkness, shivering under the watchful gaze of a crotchety 60 year old man pretending to be a crotchety 40 year old man.   That is this movie's true gift to you.  Go now and enjoy it.